Liquid Courage
by LallyintheSky
Summary: The first time Jesse St. James goes out in college, he knows it will be a bad decision.


The first time Jesse St. James goes out in college, he knows it will be a bad decision.

"C'mon, St. James. It'll be fun," his roommate, Josiah, attempts to convince him. "We've been here a month and you have yet to go out!" he complains. Jesse looks up at him from his desk, where he's downloading digital copies of sheet music and converting practice MIDI files.

"I just don't have time," he lies. Jesse St. James has never been one for drinking himself to oblivion and then having to live with the choices he makes for the rest of his life.

"Dude you cannot coast through college on showtunes and caffeine," Jojo pleads. "C'mon, even my girl is coming!"

Jesse considers this statement to be contrary to the point Jojo is trying to make—Jesse finds Jacki irritating and selfish, with a complete lack of tact and musical knowledge. Her attempts at singing sound more like a strangled wildebeest, and he's quite sure that if you put alcoholic substances in her, it would only make that worse. He is, however, feeling quite overwhelmed, with a Music Theory exam the following week, and extensive rehearsals with his male a Capella group. After another minute of deliberation (and peer pressure) he throws his hands up in defeat, and tonight he makes an exception from his rules.

"Yes!" Jojo high fives him, "Go time is at ten!" he shouts as he rushes into the bathroom to take a shower. Rubbing his temples, Jesse takes a sip of his Starbucks espresso shot and wheels over to his closet in his desk chair.

At nine fifty-seven, a leather jacket-clad Jesse stands outside of Sproul Hall, Jojo running his hands through his hair.

"How do I look man?" he asks. Jesse gives him a look and shrugs; how should he know? Jojo nods, "Cool," and then turns back to see his girlfriend skipping out of the dorm.

"Hi baby!" she giggles; Jesse tries hard to keep from vomiting. She's sickeningly sweet, but becomes an outright bitch when she doesn't get her way. She reminds him of someone, but he can't place the face or name.

They walk the streets of Los Angeles together before they reach the party. They are handed red plastic cups, and Jesse looks at his apprehensively. Jojo puts an arm around his shoulders and grins.

"Get pumped, buddy!" he says and rushes over to a keg in the corner. Jesse looks around the house anxiously. There are people playing beer pong in the corner, and he laughs. He didn't even know people played that in real life, he had always assumed it was something from a movie that was exaggerated. He meanders back towards the kitchen and finds the homeowners have setup a makeshift bar, offering shots for a dollar. Jesse thinks this is a bit of a rip off, but as he's staring, Jojo comes behind him.

"Great idea, dude. My treat!" he assures, and before Jesse can protest, he's being handed a shot of what he's pretty sure is just straight rubbing alcohol with a little food coloring in it. "My man Jose for my man Jesse!" Jojo grins stupidly, holding his plastic shot glass up to propose a toast. Jesse follows suit and tries to keep a smile plastered on his face as he listens to Jojo blabber about the beginning of a beautiful friendship, and shoot back the shot. Jesse stares apprehensively once more at the beverage, shrugs, and takes it. He is shocked at the burning sensation in his mouth, throat, and lungs, but puts on a brave face and laughs with Jojo.

"That's my man!" Jojo exclaims and rushes back to the bar for more. Jesse tries to decline but is ignored, and after another short speech, is facing the fire once more. Suddenly Jacki saves him by storming over to yell at Jojo for abandoning her, and the forceful brunette drags his friend away to another room. Alone, Jesse finds the keg and drinks slowly from his red cup, the taste of stale beer mixing with the pungent sensation of the liquor still in his mouth. "It gets better," he had once heard someone say when discussing getting wasted at Vocal Adrenaline rehearsal once, but he was unsure of the truth of the statement at this point. He locks eyes with several people he's seen in class who give him a nod of acknowledgement, which he returns curtly, and is approached by a busty redhead who is tripping all over herself.

"Okay Candy, I've got to go find a bathroom, okay?" he says after about five minutes of an attempted conversation. He finds himself a little shaky, but is sure it's from the intense body heat of everyone in the room. He finds Jojo pressed into a corner by Jacki and laughs. Why were drunk people so sloppy? He makes his way to another keg and another corner, eyes racing around the room. He can't help but be surprised at the varied kinds of people that attended parties like this; his eyes linger on a skinny, tall, blonde boy who does nothing but smile creepily as girls pass by. He looks away and sees a short brunette dancing in the middle of the room. His eyes stay locked on her, and he's perfectly aware that now he looks like the creep. His mind is confused— he's thinking of _her. _

He's unsure how many beers he's had by now, he lost count after five…or was it six, he doesn't know. His eyes race back to the girl in the center of the room, and his heart begins to pound. He is surprised by Jojo's sudden appearance, and jumps slightly. His best friend laughs at him and Jesse doesn't comprehend what he says but just smiles and nods, glancing back to the girl. Jojos's eyes follow him and he smirks.

"So St. James finally has the hots for someone, hmm?" he asks. Jesse looks back to him surprised but Jojo laughs and he knows, he just _knows. _"Go talk to her," he suggests, and Jesse shakes his head, "That's not possible," he explains and Jojo rolls his eyes and pushes Jesse forward and Jesse's lost in a crowd of people and a sea of faces and _she's _gone, the clarity returning to his brain. Of course, what was he thinking? He couldn't just talk to her; that would be highly inappropriate. His friend is gone and he is alone once more, so he pushes through the crowd to the opposite wall, and as the ocean of bodies parts, there is the girl, still dancing, and although he doesn't find the girl attractive, there _she _is and he is confused again, running a hand through his hair. He fills up his cup once more and chugs it down, his throat is dry and he can't breathe and he hands his cup to the guy at the keg once more, and he gets odd glances but he doesn't care. Then from across the room he sees Jojo on his tiptoes pointing towards the center of the room and Jesse shakes his head and Jojo throws his arms up in defeat and pushes across the crowd to where Jesse stands.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asks angrily and Jesse opens his mouth but nothing comes out and Jojo pokes him in the shoulder. "Don't blow this! This is your opportunity, man, you could be happy!" And there it is, _he could be happy. _He excuses himself and when Jojo asks where he's going he simply shouts, "Bathroom," but knows full well he's going in the wrong direction and he pushes through the kitchen to a back door and out to the cold night air that hits him and wakes him up a bit but everything is still fuzzy and his heart still aches.

He doesn't know what he's doing as he fumbles for his cell phone, drink still in hand. The backyard is mercifully empty save for a guy peeing in the corner and a few lone smokers and Jesse is quite sure that what they're smoking isn't legal and had he been in his right mind he would have hightailed it out of there but instead he ignores them and pushes send on his phone. He's not sure why he never deleted her number, whether it was just to keep the vain idea of a memory alive or maybe he thought he could use her as a reference someday because she _was _talented and he knew that and why is the phone still ringing? He takes another swig of liquid courage and tries to subdue the thundering in his chest as he finally hears the phone pick up and a muffled "Hello?" and damnit he must have woken her up, what time was it anyway? His breathing is heavy and she knows someone is there and he must startle her because she says more firmly, "Who is this?" He swallows the rest of his cup and throws it to the ground, then sits on a log and runs a hand through his hair.

"Please don't hang up," is all he can think to say and he hears her take a sharp intake of breath and he wonders if he's made a mistake but he can't hang up now, _he could be happy. _He hears nothing for a moment and asks, "Rachel?" to assure she's still there and he hears a small squeak and he is relieved but his nerves are still making him shake, or maybe that's the tequila but he couldn't care now.

"What do you want?" she asks finally, her voice a little stronger but she still sounds as though someone just informed her that they're taking Phantom off Broadway indefinitely and he's quite sure she might be crying and he didn't want that and shit he's still on the phone with her and he's sitting here silently like an idiot.

"I miss you Rachel," it comes up like word vomit and he's thankful that it's word vomit and not the other kind of vomit because that's not what he wants to do right now, especially with the cast of "Reefer Madness" in the corner over there. He hears her choke back tears and he hates himself for thinking this was a good idea, he should have just left well enough alone and shouldn't have come out tonight but it's too late now and he's going to have to deal with the consequences. She says nothing and he knows this might be his only chance so here it goes.

"I'm an goddamn idiot, Rachel," he says and he thinks he hears her laugh but he's not sure and all he wants is to tell her, "My life is hell without you please take me back," but he knows that's extreme, even for them.

"What do you want me to say, Jesse?" she asks and he takes a deep breath and he's shaking and shivering and finally he is alone and he closes his eyes.

"I love you," he says suddenly and there it is. Silence. He's sure she's with Hudson now because the guy'd been having eye sex with her from the first time Jesse stepped into the choir room the day he'd transferred and he hates that kid so much, he's so tall and blundering and stupid and—

"You think that's going to make this all okay?" she asks. Jesse closes his eyes, he doesn't even know what okay is anymore but yes that's what he wants, he wants it all to be okay.

"I just want you, Rachel," he says and she scoffs and his stomach is in knots and he hates Jojo so much for telling him this was a good idea. She hasn't let on that she knows he's intoxicated and he prays it stays that way because he's sure that would blow every possible chance he's got.

"Look, Jesse. I can't handle this," she says and her voice is cracking again and god, he hates it when she sounds like this.

"Rachel, I know I messed up royally, but—"

"No, Jesse, there is no but," she says and there it is, all hope is lost. He closes his eyes because crying in public would be humiliating and he still has to walk out of the party. "I've got to go," she starts and he panics, this is it, what else can he say—

"I'm sorry. I love you," he blurts, but he realizes it sounds more like, "Sorry I loved you," and he hears her cry and all he wants to do is crawl up and die and he hears a sniff and he wants to assure her it'll be okay but he can't even speak.

"Goodnight Jesse," she says and without another warning or a chance for him to speak there's the click, and she's gone. He sits there for what feels like hours but is in reality probably only three minutes and everything is spinning and he needs to go home _now. _He meanders back through the party and finds Jojo against the wall with—where the hell is Jacki, this girl is blonde—and tells him he's leaving and Jojo nods as the girl runs her hands through his hair and Jesse rolls his eyes, causing his head to pound even more and he walks out of the party and "Hope you had a nice night!" says the guy at the front door and all he wants to do is flip him the bird and show him what a nice night he was having but instead he shoves his hands in his pockets and walks back to his dorm in silence and he makes it a block before the tears start rolling.

He unlocks his room with some difficulty and doesn't even bother putting on pjs; he just falls onto the bed and passes out. He doesn't know when Jojo gets back, and he sleeps right through the falling out that Jojo and Jacki have directly outside his front door, sleeps right on through until 10 the next morning.

Jesse sits up—shit does his head hurt, and he runs a hand through his hair and looks at his phone…oh hell, last night wasn't a dream, he did call her. He pops an Advil and grabs his shower things, letting the hot water wash away everything from last night, and when he comes back Jojo is still passed out. He changes into his usual black attire and realizes how starving he is, and grabs a different jacket—the leather one smells like booze—and starts for the dining hall. He's nearly there when his text alert goes off, and he grumbles, Jojo really decides to wake up just after he leaves? But as he pulls out his phone his heart stops—Rachel Berry. Shaking, he flips open the phone, and breaks into a wide smile as he reads the message.

"I love you too."

A/N: Don't know where this came from, but I find drunken Jesse endearing, lol. R&R, please!


End file.
